Cough Like No One Is Watching

I am sitting here laughing because I remembered a day when I had a coughing fit.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of your cold and you have that annoying post nasal drip? It starts as a tickle and then it completely grabs your throat until you are forced to do manic coughing for 15 minutes.

One day, I was leaving a very important message for one of our parents at the dance school, where I work. We had been playing phone tag for days and I was so tired of holding the information and longed to just dump it on their answering machine. So I called them and started leaving a very detailed, long message about their child.

In the middle of it, the tickle started. I decided to ignore it and just swallow. If I could just get enough moisture in my throat, I could some how quell the cough. Well, that was not going to work and I started panicking.

As I was leaving this very detailed message, my mind started to drift to the thought of "What if I have a coughing fit on the answering machine? I am not going to be able to stop!" And...instead of saying what I needed to say, I started to go off task and said words that had nothing to do with their child. "So, I think Sally is going to need to come in and try on her tickle...wait, did I just say tickle? I meant to say, choke, I mean leotard."

And then it happend.....I had a full blown coughing attack where you cough so hard it sounds like your lung fell out on your desk. So, on this answering machine, you hear me say, in a gasping voice, "Hold on....." and I put down the phone and proceed to cough for what seemed like 10,000 years. In the middle of it, I try to get out "I'm gonna have to call you back" (kind of like when Mike Meyer's says "I'm Feeling Verclempt" on Coffee Talk?). What a treat it will be for that parent to come home, notice they have a message and press the play button.

If that is not bad enough, after I get my honey-lemon cough drop and drink a gallon of water, I call this person back and try to pick up where I left off.

And that is when I start remembering how ridiculous I sounded and I start to giggle. I keep saying, "I'm sorry, I just can't believe you heard me coughing like that" and then I compose my self only to fall apart again the minute I start talking. Then, I am laughing so hard that I have to put the phone down. I even pee a little bit in my pants. It's is so out of control that I can't even get the words out. I actually say to them, "I'm gonna have to call you back again".

Oh, my God! This person has to listen to two messages of me either laughing or coughing - and you know you can't take these messages back!

I make a third call and apologize for all of my outbursts and end up rambling on too long and make it even worse than coughing or laughing. I am the biggest dork known to man.

And I run this place? You've got to be kidding?